I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
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