i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
