hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
There was a lot of him and a little penis
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just want to make out with him forever
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
