mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
