I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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