What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
