a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
