thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
