Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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