Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
