They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
