i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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