Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
