My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
