It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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