Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
