Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
