I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
