I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
