Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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