I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
