she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
