I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
