i just sent this text using only my big toe
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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