I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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