david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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