I should be sponsored by Trojan
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
