he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
