We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
