Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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