I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
