OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
