I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
