i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
