I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
