At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
