I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
