my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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