Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
