There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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