ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
