This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
