i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize