I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
