You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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