Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
