i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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