I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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