I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
