I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
