U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
