i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
