I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Randomize