PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
