i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
