I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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